If you’re contemplating asking your spouse for a divorce, you’ve probably done a lot of soul searching. Evaluate your reasons for wanting a divorce, and be honest about what your life will look like once it’s all settled. Asking for a divorce is a big matter. You must prepare for that talk ahead of time.
Choose Your Time and Place
Once you’ve made the decision to ask for a divorce, you need to choose a time and place for that talk. Unless you fear issues of safety, you want a quiet place with no distractions.
Because the conversation will be so charged, you don’t want it to be in public. Your home is a better place. If you have children, find a babysitter for them or otherwise keep them away for a few hours.
Try to time the conversation so it doesn’t conflict with schedules, no matter how frivolous. For instance, don’t schedule the conversation during your spouse’s favorite program. Likewise, try to find a time when your spouse isn’t stressed from a work deadline or illness. The goal is for the conversation to go as smoothly as possible, which won’t happen if your spouse is stressed already.
Map Out Your Speech Ahead of Time
You have it clear in your mind your reasons for wanting a divorce. During the conversation, you’ll want to convey those reasons to your spouse in as orderly a manner as possible. Therefore, you’ll likely find it helpful to at least write an outline ahead of time for your thoughts.
You don’t actually want to deliver a speech to your spouse. The conversation should be a give-and-take of communication. However, if you’ve written out your key points ahead of time, you’re less likely to get taken down a path lead by heightened emotions. You’ll be able to clearly address all of your concerns.
Keep Your Emotions in Check
During the planning stage, decide on your opening line. This line should focus on your thoughts and emotions. Start with a phrase such as, “I’ve been thinking about our relationship,” or, “I’ve felt unhappy in our marriage for some time.” Those phrases should clue your spouse in to the type of conversation you’re having, which gives them time to get a hold of their own emotions.
During the course of the conversation, keep your own emotions in check. The time for the blame game is over. You’ve already decided to ask for a divorce, so rehashing old arguments serves no purpose. Be mindful of how easily you could go down one of those paths, and develop a strategy to combat the impulse. For instance, you could remind yourself to take a deep breath.
You might find it helpful to think about the impending divorce as one last team endeavor between you and your spouse. Try framing your common goals, such as minimizing the divorce cost and smoothing the transition for your children. Hopefully, the two of you can have as amicable a separation as possible.
Stay Away From the Details
Since you’re the one who’s initiating the divorce conversation, you’ve likely already thought of the next steps. You may have thought out what marital property you want to keep or what you want co-parenting to look like. The subject is new to your spouse, though. As resentful as you may feel toward your spouse, they do deserve some time to collect those thoughts themselves.
So, while you’re having the conversation, stay away from the details of the divorce. If you broach the subject, your spouse might go on the defensive, which will negatively impact the conversation. Likewise, don’t let your spouse start in on the details. If they bring it up, be prepared with a stock statement such as, “We should discuss that later.”
Once you’ve decided to ask for a divorce, seek legal advice on your best options. If you need any advice, talk to Randall A. Wolff & Associates, Ltd.
